Raw as we are

Three days into 2012 I'm sitting in bed coughing up lungful of unpleasantness, laptop on my lap, heavy hearted from watching Blue Valentine. Trying to work on some slightly serious tasks here but my mind is distracted. Suddenly it's a new year. I'm here, now, exactly where I wanted myself to fast forward to when I was living a life of what I saw was full of misery last year or the year before. Now is great. I love how I can wake up in the morning with the sun shining today, or how I can sit outside on the porch for the longest time doing absolutely nothing except for feeling the warm breeze watching coco chase after birds while cars pass. But I wish I hadn't been so filled with gloom in the past, so eager to move forward I forgot to be thankful for what I had in those times of despair. If you were to ask me to go through the last two years of my life again, I would have unhesitatingly said no. But to skip it if I were given a choice? No I won't want to, now that it has become the past. Because in the last two long years I came across so many people who have, like how some would say, left footprints in my life. Sometimes they hurt, other times I wish they stayed, and some did stay. But I'm grateful for all. Then there were moments when I learned and grew, moments I wished never have passed, moments to be thankful for. All those moments, amidst all the other moments that made hearts dip and eyes go weary, were carelessly given less credit then. So now I learned my last lesson which 2010 and 2011 have given me. All this chuck of words after words letters after letters may seem like verbal vomit and that's okay, you don't have to understand it. But I thank you for caring enough to read. I just need this so that like always, when I look back at my archive my past will unravel in words before my eyes and trigger important memories that I might accidentally lose along the way. Or maybe look back and chide myself for how ignorant I was. Here, now, I thank my dear friends and family for what we have been through. Here, now, I wish to become a better person, to continue to learn and understand the disarray and beautiful world we all live in.