I tell myself over and over again that I have to keep this, keep you just as how it is because this is important and perfect to me. Suddenly when I looked I wasn't looking anymore and acceptance was like swallowing rocks down my throat. It scared the shit out of me how bizarre the pricks in my heart form a swelling ache a stupid illegitimate non justifiable almost nonsensical mental state so ridiculous I need to slap myself out of it. What is now is all I want, really. But it feels so foreign right now, I'm so afraid it is impossible.